If there is one rule that authors should observe above all others it is this: keep out of the story. Of course everybody now understands that is impossible—indeed naïve—and so the rule has been recast. Pretend to keep of the story is the modern version of the injunction. It is, in general, a sound rule: nobody wants to hear from the author directly; we want to hear from the characters. We want to believe that what we are reading is unmediated by anybody else—in other words, we want to believe that it is the truth, that it really happened. This allows us to cry real tears for fictional characters when we know, if we stop to ask ourselves, that none of the pain they feel is real. There is a special category of emotion, I believe, that is invoked by artifice but that is powerful nonetheless. This emotion is often deceptive: it appears to be about one thing, but it is really about another. When we feel regret for what happens in a story, that regret is often not for the experiences of the characters, but for ourselves, for all that we have lost in our lives. And so that regret, or the tears it brings, can be very real, can be about real people and real loss.
This story breaks that rule about the invisible author, but only does so here at the beginning, when a few important matters are explained. These things may not seem important at this stage, but they are. You will have noticed that the story is broken into chapters, even though it is not a novel, but a short story. This is not a conceit. There is no reason why novels should have chapters and short stories should not; breaking up a short story in this way allows for darting about in the narrative. Chapter breaks allow us to change continents; to pass from decade to decade. And there may be many short stories that, although no more than a few thousand words in length, encompass a whole lifetime, or more.
The other matter is the title. Rain was used by Somerset Maugham as the title of one of his most powerful stories. It is a tale of religious hypocrisy, set against the backdrop of a prolonged fall of rain, a monsoon. It is a marvelous title for a story of that intensity, the rain drumming against the roof and the vegetation accompanies the beat of the human heart, makes almost tangible the sense of being trapped. And Maugham, of course, was himself trapped; he had to pretend that the world was heterosexual, or at least he was obliged to ignore the many dramas that occur outside that particular context. He might have enjoyed the story that follows, particularly if he were to know that it is entirely true, which is, in fact, the case.
It began, as do most of our human dramas, with a meeting. Two university students met at a party some years ago. The party was one of those affairs that nineteen-year-olds, or those in their very early twenties, enjoy so much—a long drawn-out, unstructured gathering with people drifting in and then drifting out again, sometimes picking up somebody, sometimes making themselves miserable because everybody else seems to be having a better time, sometimes drinking too much and disgracing themselves.
It took place in a flat in the Edinburgh New Town, that great sweep of Georgian architecture that tips over the ridge of George Street and down towards the Firth of Forth below. To live there as a student requires parental wealth, which is what Ian had. He came from a family in Broughty Ferry, a well-set town on the outskirts of Dundee. That was where the jute traders lived in the days when the Calcutta jute industry was controlled from Scotland. Considerable fortunes were made, and some of them survived. Ian came from that background. They were not flashy people, though; Scotland does not approve of flashiness, as Robert Burns and a hundred others have made abundantly clear.
One of the guests at this party—in so far as student parties bother with invitations and guests— was a young man called Ruthven, or Riv for short. The name Ruthven in Scotland is pronounced Riven, and this led to that particular abbreviation.
“You’ve got a great name,” said Ian, when he met him at the party. “Short for River?”
Riv explained. They then talked about something else. They were studying very different things, and indeed they were very different people. Ian was studying engineering and played rugby. Riv, whose subjects were music and philosophy, glanced away when Ian revealed these two bits of information; just glanced away very briefly, but enough for the reaction to be picked up by Ian, who said, “Listen, not everybody who does engineering and plays rugby …”
He left the sentence unfinished.
Their conversation moved on to what they had planned for the summer. Ian was going to India.
“I want to see Jaipur,” he said. “And Calcutta too. We’ve got friends there—they go back to my grandfather’s day. They’ve invited me.”
“God, I’d love to go to India.”
Ian hesitated. Then: “Come.”
They became lovers while in Jaipur. The progress of their relationship had been natural and unforced. They simply wanted to be in one another’s company; somehow Ian made sense to Riv, and Riv to Ian. Neither had had a full-blown affair before, only longings; now suddenly the full force of Auden’s line about finding himself in the other made complete sense. Riv felt blessed. He had never imagined that he would find a friend who could be so different from himself and yet so appreciative. In his mind, Ian represented everything that he loved about Scotland—that solidity, that directness, that particular feeling of unfussiness that makes it the place it is.
“Look,” said Ian. “Could we share the flat when we get back?”
Riv had not dared to think about what would happen when they got back. He felt a sudden outpouring of gratitude. It had never occurred to him that he could think of a future with one person, in one place. He had always fallen for young men who were straight, whose lives had no place for him, other, perhaps, than a momentary indiscretion, a short concession to a side of themselves that they did not wish to acknowledge, but nothing more than that.
Now he was being offered something more, and he took it with a sense of awe, fearful of its fragility, of the touching insights that it had vouchsafed him.
Nothing went wrong. Riv feared that it would, but it did not, and when they both graduated a year later, they continued to share the same flat. Their social life was broad. “The last thing I want, the very last thing,” said Ian, “is to live in a ghetto. I want us to be completely normal.”
“That word,” said Riv.
“You know what I mean. I want a social life that doesn’t distinguish between gay and straight, that looks at … well, looks at people as people. Do you understand what I’m driving at?”
“Of course,” said Riv. “But will other people look at us as people and not as some … some category?”
“Some will. Most, these days.”
Riv was silent. “What about children?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“What if we wanted to have children?”
Ian was silent for a moment. “That’s their problem,” he said eventually.
Adoption was too daunting.
Ian shook his head. “I’m not going there,” he said. “I was speaking to somebody the other day who told me about the difficulties she had had. Ghastly. They become really intrusive. I don’t want social workers picking over our lives of two years, or whatever it is. Can you imagine it? Every detail? All our attitudes? Meeting after meeting with other parents who’ll all disapprove no matter what they say. No.”
Riv did not agree. “It doesn’t have to be like that.”
Iain was adamant. “No.”
“Then what about a surrogate?”
The surrogate mother was called Annie. Ian and Riv found that they both liked her, although they argued about her interpretation of reasonable expenses. She lived in Glasgow with a partner, Teddy, who assured them that he was perfectly happy with the arrangement.
“Gives her something to do,” he said with a grin. “Know what I mean?”
Later, Ian confessed to Riv, “I don’t like Teddy,” he said.
“He won’t be related to us,” said Riv. “Don’t worry.”
“He could prove difficult in the future.”
Riv assured him that this was unlikely. “Types like that have no interest in children,” he said. “Money. Sex. Beer. That’s Teddy.”
“You’re forgetting football.”
They decided that it would be best not to know which one of them was the father. A mixed donation then, would mean that either could be. “A very good idea,” said the doctor friend who had agreed to do the procedure. He thought for a moment before continuing, “The danger, I would imagine, would be resentment. If one of you knew that you were the real father, then you could start assuming that your word carried more weight than then one who wasn’t. Humanity is messy. People behave in ways they’d never dream they’d behave in. Let me assure you of that.”
He was a boy, and they called him David. Anne moved in with them immediately on getting out of hospital, so that he could be settled. “I could stay for a few months, if you like,” she said. “But you’d have to pay me.”
Riv glanced at Ian. “I think it might be best for him to get accustomed to … to your not being around. He’ll get used to us more quickly then.”
“Fair enough,” said Anne. “I’m going to miss him.”
Ian and Riv were silent.
“But not too much,” she went on. “I’m really happy that you’ve got him and I know he’s going to be well looked after. I know that.”
“We want to give you a present,” said Ian quickly. “I know that money shouldn’t change hands, but I don’t see why we can’t give you a birthday present. When’s your birthday?”
Anne laughed. “Today,” she said.
“How convenient,” said Riv.
Ian handed over an envelope, which Anne opened immediately. She took out the banknotes and counted them. They were crisp, unused Bank of Scotland one-hundred pound notes: a thick wad of them. Watching her, Riv thought, “This is what a human life can be reduced to. Ultimately this. Just this.”
David could not have been an easier child. He flourished in the atmosphere of love and security that Ian and Riv provided for him. He called Ian Dad and he called Riv Riv. That was unplanned, and although it led to a slight feeling of resentment on Riv’s part, he overcame it. It had nothing to do, he told himself, with the fact that Ian was clearly stronger than he was, or perhaps more masculine—if one was going to be old-fashioned about it. And Ian, for his part, handled that tactfully. “It could have been the other way round. Easily. I think he just loves the name Riv— he loves the sound of it. Who wouldn’t?”
Of course they speculated about paternity, but not openly. Ian found himself staring at David and deciding that in a certain light, when he held his head in a particular way, he could see himself, or even his own father. Yet it was difficult with children, he reminded himself; their features were too plastic, too unformed to give any real hint of parentage.
Riv was more interested in behaviour. He noticed one day, shortly after the boy’s fifth birthday, that David seemed able to hold a note when singing. He took him to the piano and played a G. “Sing that to me,” he said. The result was what he wanted. “And this,” he said, playing an A. Then, later he said, “Sing A for Riv. Remember A?”
He muttered to himself, “Perfect pitch!” And that was genetic, some people thought. And who had perfect pitch? Not Ian, he told himself. I do. Me.
They both made efforts to suppress such thoughts, but it was difficult. The problem, Riv thought, was that he loved David so much that he wanted him to be his—not just as a son, but as his son. All that nonsense about blood and the ties that it brought, the sentiments that as a young man he had so assiduously dismissed; all that nonsense was absolutely true. There was something about continuing one’s very flesh, about seeing oneself in another person; so that as one’s own future diminished, it manifestly continued in the growing child. It was the essential mystery of parenthood; the paper-thin slice of immortality that stood between the mortal self and emptiness.
He could bear it no longer, and he raised the subject with the doctor friend who had advised on the impregnation. The friend listened sympathetically. “Would it be better to know one way or the other? Is that what you’re asking me?”
Riv nodded. Even to admit it now made him feel relieved.
“You can do it by post,” said the friend. “They’ll send you a kit. Buccal swabs. That’s from the mouth. It couldn’t be simpler.”
“And the results are accurate?”
“Ninety nine point nine per cent,” said the friend. “Recurring.”
“Can the results go to you?” asked Riv.
The friend looked at him intently. After a short period of hesitation, he said, “Yes. If that’s what you want.”
“Sit down,” said the friend. “Just sit down.”
Riv knew immediately what the news would be. He sat down, his head sunk in his hands.
“It’s going to make no difference,” he said. “And it’s better to know.”
“Exactly,” said the friend. “You love that little boy. You both love him. And you love Ian. It makes no difference.”
But then, a few months later, Ian came to the friend and asked him whether he could speak to him in complete confidence, as patient to doctor, not as friend to friend. The friend agreed.
“I want you to arrange a paternity test,” he said. “I’m pretty sure that David’s mine, but I would really like to know. Just to have that certainty. Do you understand?”
The friend looked out of the window. If Ian had not started their conversation in the way that he had, then he might not be bound. But even if he could speak freely to Ian, he could not betray Riv’s confidence, and so he simply nodded and said, “I’ll give you a kit. Take a swab from yourself and one from David. Do you want me to send it in?”
Ian said that he did. “It’ll be easier that way.
It won’t, thought the friend, but did not say that.
“Sit down,” said the friend. “Just sit down.”
“Oh my God!” said Ian. “I’m not the father. It’s Riv, isn’t it?”
At first the friend was not sure how to answer that question. So he simply said, “You’re not the father, Ian. But it shouldn’t make any difference to the way you feel about David. You love him, don’t you?”
“I love him … more than I could ever say. I love him so much, so much.”
“Well, there you are. Nothing’s changed, has it?”
Nothing did change, at least in respect of the relationship between Ian and Riv, and between the two of them and David. There was a sadness, perhaps, in the way in which Riv sometimes looked at David, but it was not noticed by Ian, or by anybody else for that matter. Ian was doing well in his career as a fund manager. He became a partner in the firm for which he worked and such was the level of their prosperity that Riv gave up his job as a music teacher and concentrated on composition. He began to attract attention for some of his pieces, which were broadcast on the more recondite classical music programmes. Everything was going well.
Then, one evening at the reception that accompanied a gallery opening, Riv found himself talking to the doctor friend and his wife, Maggie. Maggie’s attention was distracted by somebody she knew at the other end of the room, and she detached herself.
There was something that Riv had been wondering about, and now he asked about it. “Does Maggie know about how you helped us to have David?”
The friend shook his head. “Of course not. Nor does she know about that test I did for you. Nobody knows about that. Nobody.”
Riv nodded. “Sorry to ask. I was just wondering.”
The friend smiled. “You know, I remember, so well that afternoon you came to see me about the DNA test. I remember our sitting there in the coffee bar and discussing it with you and it was raining outside. Really heavy rain. Like a monsoon. You had an umbrella and so you didn’t get wet when you went off. I waited for a while and then braved it. I thought the rain would stop, but it didn’t. I got soaking wet.”
Riv looked at him blankly.
“It didn’t rain,” he said.
“It did. I remember …”
Riv looked down at the ground. Then he looked up and he saw from his friend’s expression that his surmise was correct.
Annie opened the front door to them. What hit them first was the smell of frying. She had been frying chips, for years, and the smell had seeped into the carpets, into the walls.
“You!” she said. It was a warm welcome, even if she did look behind them, as if searching for David.
“He’s stayed behind,” said Riv. “We need to talk. Just us, Annie.’
They went inside. “We’ll come straight to the point,” said Riv. “What did you do with our … with our donation?”
She pretended ignorance at first. “I don’t know what youses are talking about.”
“Yes, you do,” said Ian. “You know very well. So let me put it another way, who’s David’s father?”
She looked at them challengingly. “What’s it to you?”
“I’m his father,” said Ian.
She laughed. “You’ve answered your own question. So why are you asking me?”
“It’s Teddy, isn’t it?” said Riv.
Annie shrugged. “If you say so. But Teddy’s history now.”
She shrugged again. “Does it matter? You’ve got that wee boy. I gave you what you wanted, didn’t I?”
They went outside. They had parked the car at the end of the street and they had a short walk to get back to it. Half way along, Ian stopped. He began to weep. Riv comforted him, standing beside him, his arm about his shoulder. “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “It doesn’t matter in the slightest bit.”
They stood there, quite still. And then something quite extraordinary happened. A man, a mere passer-by, came up to them and said, “Are you boys all right?” It was Glasgow, and people did that. This man spoke with the accents of Clydeside. Had there been a ship-building industry, he would have been a ship-builder.
Riv looked at the man. “You wouldn’t understand. Sorry, but I don’t think you would.”
The man said, “Try me.”
Hardly believing that he was telling this to a complete stranger, Riv told the man what had happened. It had begun to rain, but neither he nor Ian moved for shelter, nor did the man.
At the end the man said, “You know what I’ve always said? You want to know? I’ve always said that bairns are a gift of God. That’s what I’ve said.”
Ian said nothing. He did not believe, and nor did Riv. But he reached out and took the man’s hand. There was no embarrassment, no resistance.
“Thank you’” he said.
“But don’t stand out too long in this rain,” said the man.
“No,” said Riv. “We won’t.”